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SEYTAN  (AKA:  THE TURKISH EXORCIST)

REVIEWED BY:

THE DEMON

HELLO TO ALL THOSE WHO WORSHIP THE DARK LORD.  TODAY I HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE DEMEANING TASK OF REVIEWING A MOVIE.  FORTUNATELY THE MOVIE I HAVE TO REVIEW DEALS WITH MY ALL TIME FAVORITE SUBJECT...SATAN!  OR IN THIS CASE SEYTAN.  THAT'S RIGHT THE MIGHTY DARK LORD'S POWERS ARE EVEN IN TURKEY.  A LITTLE GIRL IS TAKEN OVER BY SAT...I MEAN SEYTAN AND BEGINS TO DO A BUNCH OF NASTY THINGS.  UNFORTUNATELY I COULD NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT WAS BEING SAID.   I DON'T SPEAK TURKISH, BUT I DO KNOW THAT A LOT OF EVIL THINGS WERE GOING ON AND IT WAS GOOD.  THIS MOVIE ALSO SEEMED REALLY FAMILIAR IT'S AS IF I ALREADY SAW IT OR SOMETHING.  EVEN THE MUSIC SOUNDED THE SAME.

      THAT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE IT'S A TOTAL RIP OFF OF THE EXORICST.

       THAT'S RIGHT...IT IS JUST LIKE THE EXORCIST.  IT'S ALSO VERY EVIL   AND     SCARY AS HELL!!!!

          MORE LIKE FUNNY AS HELL.

        SHUT YOUR INSOLENT MOUTH YOU WRETCHED DUMMY!

            COME ON DEMON.   WHAT ABOUT THE SCENE WHERE THE LITTLE GIRL IS GOING THROUGH ALL OF THOSE TESTS TO FIND OUT WHAT'S WRONG AND SHE'S HOOKED UP TO SOME STUPID LOOKING DEVICE THAT LOOKS LIKE TWO MINIATURE JACKHAMMERS SLAMMING HER ON BOTH SIDES OF HER FACE WHILE HER MOUTH IS STUFFED WITH TISSUES.  OH AND IF THAT'S NOT FUNNY ENOUGH YOU'VE GOT THE PRICESS FACE THAT SHE IS MAKING.   

      WELL...THAT'S PRETTY EVIL TO PUT A LITTLE GIRL THROUGH THAT RIDICULOUS LOOKING DEVICE.  SHE PROBABLY GOT MADE FUN OF ON THE PLAY GROUND AFTER THAT.  JUST LIKE WHEN ALL OF THOSE BASTARD DEMON CHILDREN LAUGHED AT MY DARTH VADER COSTUME MY DAD MADE ME IN THE 3RD GRADE.   I THOUGHT IT WAS THE COOLEST COSTUME IN THE ENTIRE UNDERWORLD.  WE TOOK A CARDBOARD BOX AND COLORED IT WITH A BLACK MAGIC MARKER AND MADE A COOL HELMET.  WE THEN TOOK A GLAD TRASH BAG AND MADE A CAPE AND MY DAD DUCT TAPED A CALCULATOR ON MY CHEST.   IT WAS THE BEST COSTUME EVER AND THEY ALL LAUGHED AT ME.  I MADE THEM PAY THOUGH.  DAD SENT THEM TO EARTH AS THE OSMOND FAMILY.

   YEAH...ANYWAY....

     WHAT?  IT'S TRUE!

     BACK TO THE MOVIE.  OTHER HIGHLIGHTS INCLUDE:  THE BOUNCING BED SCENE WITH PEOPLE OBVIOUSLY UNDER THE BED MAKING IT GO UP AND DOWN AND BOUNCING THE LITTLE GIRL AND MOTHER AROUND.   OH AND THEN THERE'S THE SPEWING SCENE.  THIS IS WHERE THE MOVIE BECOMES ORIGINAL.  INSTEAD OF PEA SOUP WE GET...MUSTARD.  YES THE LITTLE GIRL HURLS MUSTARD.  IT'S LIKE THE DIRECTOR WAS SITTING AROUND THE PEOPLE INVOLVED IN THE MOVIE SAYING "YOU KNOW WE'VE BORROWED THE MUSIC FROM THE EXORCIST, WE'VE BORROWED THE STORY FROM THE EXORCIST, WE'VE BORROWED SHOT FOR SHOT CHEAP RECREATIONS FROM THE EXORCIST, BUT I DON'T THINK WE'LL GO WITH THE PEA SOUP.   I JUST DON'T THINK IT WORKS."  OF COURSE HE WOULD HAVE SAID THIS IN TURKISH.   THEN THE LITTLE GIRL'S DEMONIC VOICE IS MORE FUNNY THEN IT'S SCARY.

     I DON'T THINK IT'S FUNNY.  IT'S VERY DEMONIC AND SCARY.

     YEAH...YOU WOULD THINK THAT...IF YOU WERE SMOKING CRACK.   IT SOUNDS LIKE THE OLD DRUNKEN HOMELESS GUY WHO LIVED DOWN THE STREET FROM US WHEN I WAS A KID.   YOU COULDN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD HE WAS SAYING, BUT YOU KNEW HE WANTED TO TOUCH THE WILLIE....TALK.

     I STILL DON'T FIND THIS MOVIE FUNNY.   I NEVER LAUGHED ONCE.

    OH COME ON...ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME THAT YOU WERE NOT LAUGHING HYSTERICAL DURING ANY OF THE SCENES MENTIONED ABOVE NOT TO MENTION THE ONE OF THE BEST SHOTS TO THE GROIN SCENES EVER FILMED.  THE LITTLE GIRL DOES A LITTLE SUGAR RAY LEONARD ON THE DOC'S TWIN PUNCHING BAGS.  HIS REACTION IS DOWN RIGHT FUCKING HILARIOUS.

   ..........

   WELL?

   .....OKAY....I DID LAUGH AT THE SHOT-TO-THE BALLS SCENE, BUT THAT DOES NOT MATTER YOU IGNORANT LITTLE PUPPET.  FOR YOU SEE JUST LIKE THE EXORCIST MOVIE THIS FILM ALSO HAD A CURSE.   YEAH...THAT'S RIGHT....DAD DOES NOT LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE MAKE MOVIES ABOUT HIM WITHOUT HIS WRITTEN PERMIT.  YEAH...SO LIKE ALMOST ALL OF THE CAST MEMBERS DIED.  THAT'S RIGHT DEATH A LOT OF PEOPLE DURING THE FILMING OF THIS MOVIE.  

    NO I DIDN'T.

    DAMN YOU ALL!

THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL

REVIEWED BY

WILLIE TALK

  For those of you who thought that George Lucas gave the world a enema with THE PHANTOM MENACE, not to mention ATTACK OF THE CLONE, well that was nothing compared to the mental rape that was The Star Wars Holiday Special that aired during the 70's.  Where to begin with this one.....let's see there's Harrison Ford who looks like he's bored as hell and would rather be elsewhere, but it's in his contract to do this crappy TV special.  Carrie Fisher looks stoned out of her mind.  Mark Hamill is wearing so much make-up you would have sworn Tammy Faye Baker was on the set.  There's a shitty performance from Jefferson Starship, at least it wasn't Starship doing We Built This City, and Art Carney, Harvey Corman and Bea Arthur show up to make fools of themselves.

  Then there is the Wookie family.  That's right we get to spend a day with Chewbacca's family.  Mind you this was way before someone got the grand idea to film the life of the Osbournes.  In fact I'm surprised that the pimp Lucas didn't make this into a reality series back in the day and cash in on the whore called Star Wars.  Anyway...in a brillant stroke of genius the whole time we are with the Wookies they just growl and do the Chewbacca yell.  All this is un-translated.   It's pretty easy to follow.  I'll help out.

Chewbacca's wife:  Take out the garbage you chubby little bastard.

Chewbacca's chubby little son:  Go to hell woman!   

Chewbacca's ugly looking father:  You both shut the f@#% up!  I'm trying to enjoy some virtual porn!

  You see!  It's that simple.  The whole special is based around Chewy trying to get home for Christmas...uh I mean life day.  Along the way we get Harvey Corman doing unfunny skits, Bea Arthur singing, and Art Carney treating this all seriously.  We also get to see some recycled footage of Darth Vader from STAR WARS.  David Prowse and James Earl Jones must have been both sick or something.

  There is also the much hyped about cartoon that is the first appearance of Boba Fett.  Whoop-ti-do!

  I can honestly say that I've not been this damaged from a TV show since that special child molestation episode of Different Strokes.  You know the one where Arnold and Dudley are almost raped from the bicycle man played by Gordon Jump of WKRP in Cincinnati fame.  You had Dudley wearing that wild looking shirt, Arnold hogtied with Duct tape, and Mr. Jump showing X-rated cartoons and wanting Dudley to strip down and take a bath.  I'm telling ya this thing scarred me for life!  Not to mention I can't watch WKRP ever the same again.  Anyway if your a Star Wars geek you'll just cream your pants over this Holiday special.  Everyone else will suffer irreparable brain damage.

Willie

"Ragggh...Ohhh....Aggghhh...Eegghhh...Arrrhhh"

Translation:  My grandpa says I'm a chubby little shit.

Chewbacca's Chubby Little Son.

UNWILLING LOVERS

REVIEWED BY

Dirty Old Man

WARNING!  ADULT CONTENT.  THIS IS A PORN REVIEW AND THE PERSON REVIEWING IT IS A DIRTY OLD MAN.

  They just don't make porn like they used to back in the day.  No...I'm not talking about 1934 when the Dirty Old Man was giving the ladies the what not with the ol' 14 1/2 inches of pure delight. (Figure is not exaggerated.  Send a self-addressed stamped envelope and I'll send you a picture.  Of check out the crew page.)  I'm talking about the low budget 70's porn scene.  These films are pretty nasty, sick and mean spirited.   They also usually contain ugly naked people having sex, hairy bush, sleazy looking guys who make Ron Jeremy look like Don Juan, great slurping sound effects, hilarious talking dirty dialogue, sex that lasts about 4 minutes tops, and not any silicone in sight.  In other words these films contain real people and not two Barbie and Ken dolls having fake looking sex.

  Enough of my preaching let's get on with this flick I'm reviewing here called UNWILLING LOVERS.  This is one sick puppy.  Zebedy Colt, who also directed this thing, stars as Timmy a fully grown retarded idiot who acts like a 10 year old child.  He looks like the love childe of Eugene Levy and Elvis Costello.  His mom does not quite like people calling Timmy retarded, but if the shoe fits I say the old bag needs to shut the yapper..  Anyway the reason poor Timmy is like this is because of a terrible childhood incident.  This shocking incident involved the death of his father and his mother's confinement to a wheelchair.  What is this shocking incident you are asking the Dirty Old Man?  Well I ain't telling ya!  Buy the damn tape you cheap skate hooligans and find out why Timmy is in the poor shape that he's in.  Poor kid saw his mummy doing the sign of the humped back whale with someone other then daddy.  Then daddy catches the cheating tart in the act and he begins to discipline her the only way he can.  No he doesn't pimp slap her like you young kids would say because of that damn rap music.  He forces her to get close and personal with his one eyed trouser snake.  She then proceeds to bash him in the head with a rock after he finishes.  She does have a valid reason to do this because apparently the papa was a lousy lay.  You see Timmy's poor mom just wanted sex, sex, sex and she wanted it to last longer then 2 minutes.  I have to say that this is a damn shame.  A real man like myself goes 60 minutes.  Hear that ladies?  60 minutes....in my prime...now it's more like 60 seconds after 4 viagras.  Damn it!  I just thought of something.  I wasn't supposed to tell you all this.  You tricked a senile old man you filthy bastards!  I hope you all rot in hell!!!!

  All right here is the story in a nut shell.  Timmy is retarded and has the abilities of a parrot.  He can mimic and sound like anyone.  How does he get these powers along with his retardation?  I don't know the movie does not explain.  A buxom beauty moves in, well she's not really a beauty, and she hooks ups with the sleazy handy guy to do some sunbathing.  That's what they tell Timmy their doing when he catches them having sex.  I tired sunbathing with some girl I met at the beach.  I wouldn't recommend it.  She screamed to put that boa constrictor away and I've been banned from the beach and I'm still on parole.  I tried telling the cops that I was only sunbathing, but they didn't buy it because I was an old man with a huge horse phallus between my legs.  They were jealous of me.  Anyway monkey see, monkey do next thing you know Timmy's mocking the sleazy handy guy and he starts sunbathing with girls also.  The only thing is that he kills them first.  This way they never say no.  Hmmm...makes sense.  Good thing I was taking notes.  The funny thing is that this goober sucks his thumb while he's going to town and says his climax feels funny.  Sick bastard.  He leaves candy bars behind and is known as the Candy Bar Murder.  A more accurate title would have been the Candy Bar Necromaniac.  He keeps killing women until he finally confronts his mother about his father's death.  She too is killed and her corpse ends up sunbathing with the sick bastard.  This is offscreen thank God.  Don't know if my pace maker could have taken that one.  I also should thank God that this flick was not shot in Kentucky where they would have shown this scene.

 We also learn a few things from this flick.  Women's breasts are called flowers.  Not knockers, hooters, sand bags, or boobies, but flowers.  Then there's the old finding the honey in the beehive.  You young whippersnappers might know this one as adding the sauce to the hairy taco.  Oh and that thing between your legs is for going to the bathroom only!  This is what the mother says to Timmy.  Timmy's touching response of, "I don't have to go to the bathroom" brought a tear to my eye.   Two favorite quotes are:  "Jesus!  Is that a fucking fire hose?"  Which is followed by, "He can light my fire anytime."  Huh?   Yes the people in this are that intelligent.  It gets better when the big anal scene happens and the woman screams, "Owww that hurts...Oh that feels good."  Beware of this scene though.  It gets a little messy and would make the Germans proud.  If you know what I mean and I think you do. 

  If you like sick 70's low grade porn flicks with ugly people having sex check this one out.  If not ask to borrow one of my films from the 30's.

D.O.M. 

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